dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
