you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
