no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
