Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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