I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
