1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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