I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
