as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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