His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
