Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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