The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
