Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
