I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
