when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
