i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
