I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
