mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
