I want to walk on stilts...naked
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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