I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
