You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
