his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You need a sexual gate keeper
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
