get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
