I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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