i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
