I can text with my tongue
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
