Buhtt sex?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
