How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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