I cut my penus on the lid.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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