He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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