why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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