What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
