Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
