well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
