It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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