What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
