I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He better not be in your backpack
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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