i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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