So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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