True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
