saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
