mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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