maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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