Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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