If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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