'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
