If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
