I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
