you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
