Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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