Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
