Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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