Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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